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here is gone

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To this sound of dispollution in me
yah
And I was not the answer so forget you if ever thought it was me
yah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need a fall out
Of all the past that's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling

I know it's out there
I know it's out there
I can fear you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone
So much can change in two months !!! If someone would have told me I would be single.. quitting my job, exploring bisexuality, ready to be a doctor, dating around and blonde two months ago ... i would have never believed them!! I am writing a novel, quitting my job, moving to scranton PA, living life day by day, cutting out people in my life who cause too much drama, and beginning to look again for that special someone .. some material for my upcoming book.


Life was going smooth i saw blue skies and then one day a tower was hit by a lightening bolt and everything i was working toward collasped from under me. I lost the love of my life.. my faith in men .. people .. love.. life .. luck..and I found myself rebuilding who I was. Some of the days went by agonizingly slow .. spirituality friendship and inner strength got me through those days when all i could think of was him.. and all i could do was blame myself for losing the love of my life and watching him vanish from my life. With him he took my heart, his family, a future i dreamed of and my trust in love and second chances followed by that one vacation where I lost my faith in humanity and human decency and realized how neive' i was to how heartless humans can be. I began realizing that not everyone thinks as idealistically as I do about love and respect for the well being of others. And slowly I began changing some for the good and some for the bad. I began living moment to moment date to date .. and questioning why bad things happen to good people .. i began loosing faith in that happy ending that i always dreamed of and saw myself come so close to with him.. His eyes burned into my soul those gorgeous eyes that once looked at me with such passion and love and that began to look blank and dead every time i saw him after.. i realized that my dream was dead.. now just a distant memory of something that once made my heart light on fire and gave meaning to every step that I took. I began booking my week with the various suitors that seemed to come like a steady flow of sharks waiting for a wounded fish let go into the water. The words were tattooed on my arm but as strong as I was there were scars there and inside I was deeply wounded. Slowly I began picking up the pieces .. I was able to give every once of passion i gave to him to that one interview that changed my life .. graduate school my dream since I was fourteen. I brought an air of confidence and genuine passion to that interview and i got the email that made all the suffering worth while .. I Crystal Adair Moore was going to get the chance to be a doctor of psychology!!!! I jumped and screamed with joy and ran into the arms of friends coming to hang out and catch up ..It was these things that brought me to the journey of writing The Autobiography of a Dreamer, The Life Story of Crystal Adair Moore.

newness

1) Applied to 5 PSYD programs .. hopefully one will take me haha

2). Working at greystone, very rewarding! Trying to make a difference there making people more aware and compassionate to mental illness

3). meditating, reading, becoming politically involved .. changing the way i think about a lot of things ask if you want to know

4). new clothing style..new musical tastes a lot of bob marley, peter tote, grateful dead, deathcab for cutie, pink floyd and the beatles

5). loving laziness and doing nothing

6). silly is good as are old disney movie collections =)

7) keeping in touch with old friends is essential

8). nature = happiness

9) furry creatures are wonderful

10) being head over heels in love is scary but entirely worth every moment



<3 <3

hahaha such a funny song

"lyrics heBush Doctor
Warning!
Warning! The Surgeon General warns
Cigarette smoking is dangerous, dangerous
Hazard to your health
Does that mean anything to you

To legalize marijuana
Right here in Jamaica
I'm say it cure glaucoma
I man a de Bush Doctor

So there'll be
No more smokin and feelin tense
When I see them a come
I don't have to jump no fence

Legalize marijuana
Down here in Jamaica
Only cure for asthma
I man a de Minister(of the Herb)

So there'll be no more
Police brutality
No more disrespect
For humanity

Legalize marijuana
Down here in Jamaica
It can build up your failing economy
Eliminate the slavish mentality

There'll be no more
Illegal humiliation
And no more police
Interrogation

Legalize marijuana
Down here in sweet Jamaica
Only cure for glaucoma
I man a de Bush Doctor

So there be
No more need to smoke and hide
When you know you're takin
Illegal ride

Legalize marijuana
Down here in Jamaica
It the only cure for glaucoma
I man a de Minister



and no im not a smoker haha

sleeping with ghosts

"Sleeping With Ghosts"

The sea's evaporating
Though it comes as no surprise
These clouds we're seeing
They're explosions in the sky
It seems it's written
But we can't read between the line

Hush
It's okay
Dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Cause soulmates never die

This one world vision
Turns us in to compromise
What good's religion
When it's each other we despise
Damn the government
Damn their killing
Damn their lies

Hush
It's okay
Dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die

Soulmates never die
Never die
Soulmates never die
Never die...
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die

endless love

Oh, love
Ill be a fool
For you,
cause you,
You mean the world to me
Oh
I know
I know
Ive found in you
My endless love..... hahaha blah



I watched "endless love" tonight because i was bored and dled i. I used to watch this movie with Eileen all the time and I was wondering how my prospective would change as i got older. I was thinking about how real young love feels but how so often there isn't much you can do with it! Especially when your young and you have parents to deal with, and you don't have your own places. Then even when you do there's other hurdles like schools, work, even couples then seem perfect for each other often circumstantially drift apart but then it technically wasn't meant to be right or was it?HaHA.But you can still remember how real it felt at times. I don't really know what stage I am at right now, somewhere in the middle i suppose, but I do find myself very much in love right now. However I too have many other things ahead of me like a new job, 2-6 years of graduate school, possible move to another state.. things that technically should be priority above all else but when I look into his eyes I truly see all that matters to me most.

i come back to this song so often

when so many people are taken from you see life and love in a different way....


Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These's streets we traveled on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'll do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one PICTURE)

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?

I see my vision burn, I feel memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one PICTURE)

Trials in life, questions of us existing here
Don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

(guitar solo)

So what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again? Whooooah
So I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time You lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here
Please tell me what we have is real

(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)
(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)
(I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home) x2

(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)
(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost


to you my love


I never want to leave you

hurting/confused but in love

Dear Diary,
The other day Dan said that I talk about my feelings more than any other girl he knows... and I thought maybe thats because maybe I've felt more in this lifetime than anyone else you know. Ive felt this life that we live for its ups and its down. Between the loss of my parents, of my grandmother, the rejection of guardians, the heartbreak of lost love, but on the reverse the feeling of true friends, of nature, of love, of dreams and goals, of childhood and my grandma who always loved me for who I was. My heart is filled with feeling.. and passion for life and maybe I'm glad that I can feel life because as soon as my grandma passed my heart was numb and i was afraid I could never feel again.
Right now I know I am living life because my heart is breaking but more alive than it's ever been all at the same time. My boyfriend, the guy who literally takes my breath away when I look at him ... was bisexual and confused his whole life. When we were together but not he was able to be faithful but after he asked me out he became terrifed of choosing a side. and he started seeking advice from people of all genders.. one night he was talking with a guy friend from middle school about his insecurity and he began touching this guy outside his clothes for about a minute, thinking of girlfriend didnt help him to stop but when he suddenly thought the name crystal.. he took his hand off and said, "I have to go", put his shoes on and left. I called this friend and he told me yes thats all that happened but he felt that he was the one who stopped it all because he reminded Morgan he had a girlfriend, but Morgan thinks that made it worse and it wasn't till he thought of me that he knew he had to leave. This was the first week of us dating and he hasnt done anything else since and he said it made him realize he never wants to be with anyone else but me. He told me this now, because he said he could see us ending up together and he could never keep that if we are to go any further. The past 10 months he has grown incredibly ..he went from a commitophobe bisexual man to a committed straight boyfriend in a serious relationship with a woman. It's easy to catch on with the phrase once a cheater always a cheater.. but what if the guy leaves when he thinks about the one he cares about? What if it was only the first week? What if this person has truly changed and seen life in a different way? What if he did it for reasons that wern't sexual or emotional cheating ? Does it matter if it comes before I love you? Does honesty get credit? This situation I don't think is one that can be put into a neat box and seen from one angle only. I've always thought I'd leave someone who cheats, but hearing this makes me realize not everything in life is black and white as the following quote I read today points out that America is an either/or country. We're a black or white, pro-life or pro-choice, Democrat or Republican. There's all this splitting that we do, and we lose the wisdom of both worlds. We lose the wisdom of being able to be women at our best and bless the journey of someone who has found their own way between the extremes.

Morgan takes full responsiblilty even though he left, he has bought us promise rings that we only want to be with each other and he is wearing it proudly, he has spent the last 3-4 days with me constantly not eating or sleeping with me to show me he feels and understands my pain. When I look into his eyes I see regret and a true genuine person who has let this eat him away and is more than glad to be honest with me about everything scary and confusing about him, including this. He has told me his deepest darkest secret that noone knows on Valentine's Day and I think I understand him better than anyone in his life ever has, and I think he understands me as well. This guy despite his mountains of scary past experiences, things that most people would hear and run the other direction... is still to me a beautiful person at the end of day.. I know he never meant to do that to me and I do believe it only happened because he was confused. However, my heart is still breaking, thinking about the man you love touching someone else..even for a slight second being turned on by someone else..and the fear of it happening again. I thought to myself maybe it's good to make all your mistakes that first week when it doesnt matter as much.. maybe he learned his lesson and he can now be faithful to me for the rest of our time together without just theorizing of how bad it be to cheat but knowing from experience that one minute can ruin 10 months of a beautiful thing. Maybe this has made us stronger, I don't think either of us believed we'd be wearing a ring at this age, even if it is just a promise ring. The other night when we were deciding what to do.. if I can ever forgive him.. I told him I couldn't and he left.. but I looked out my apartment window at 6am and I saw him pacing outside my apartment .. his car was still there.. I wanted to run to him but I scared .. I went back inside and prayed for an answer, all of a sudden I got the thought to run to him or I'd never know what would have happened and I went outside and his car was gone! I ran into my car with no shoes and started driving, it was foggy and hard to see and I went down my street and saw a tan volvo pulled off turning around, I immediately turned 2 and he ran out of his car and into my arms and we embraced in a way that was straight out of a movie and the rest is too much detail but the past 3-4 days I have never felt more in love with anyone in my whole life, but I'm terrified. Is it possible he would never do this again I wonder, because if he could I think that I could get over what happened. Next weekend I am spending Easter with his family and my grandma's friend, and there are so many other things to look forward to with him, summer, our one year, it's incredible to think how much can be ruined by one minute of a mistake in your life because you wern't thinking straight. i'm waiting for someone to yell to me that I'm stupid and making a big mistake, but so far everyone is just as confused on what to do as me, the general consensus is to forgive him because he told me and it was the first week and he stopped. I look down at this beautiful saphire ring and I wonder could my dreams really come true for once.. is it possible that a once bisexual man who messed up week one can really change and be someone I end up spending a lot of time with, maybe even ending up with and who never cheats on me again? To tell the truth there is noone else who is more perfect for me than Morgan, noone who takes my breath away, or understands me or more is as gentle and caring as him. I press ahead scared but trying to find the strength once again in my life to believe in the power of love and hope. How that for feelings.

here i go again on my own

I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again...

We vs Me

"women walk around thinking we, and a man's version of we is me, one minute their all over you the next they are walking away"

Carrie: Are we masochists or optimistics if we put work into a relationship. When is pain too much pain? How do we know enough is enough?

Carrie" I think about you all the time, what are you doing, what might you be thinking, no correction I think about us all the time.

Big: Um can we talk about this some other time I was sleeping

Carrie: It's never a good time for us, your always going going going, you have no time for me. Your an old man, try thinking about someone else for once. This is real. What we have is real